Quick update

Wow, I'm bad at this blogging thing.

So, our recent exciting news is that Erin felt the baby kick yesterday. We were watching a movie and I could feel the baby kicking so I put Erin's hand on my stomach. She couldn't feel it at first so I pushed her hand down and the baby kicked in exactly the right spot. Pretty cool!

The baby is generally active every night between about 10pm to midnight. Hmmm, I wonder that's a habit that will stick around after the baby is born? I very rarely feel it at any other time of day though.

Suppose that's all for now. We should have results of the genetic screening soon - I hope everything is ok. It would be awful to find out something is wrong at this point. We've grown quite attached to the little bullfrog in my belly.

Happy fetus day!

At 9 weeks today we have officially moved from embryo to fetus!

We need to make a decision about whether or not we're going to use the doppler at our next appointment to hear the baby's heartbeat. It would be nice to actually get confirmation that there really is a baby in there but I suppose the odds are pretty good that it is.

Our dilemma - dopplers are a type of ultrasound and ultrasounds might be bad. Okay, so the studies are really preliminary but we wouldn't be listening to the heartbeat for any reason other than curiosity. Even if the odds of it being damaging are one in a billion, is curiosity really a good reason to possibly put our little fetus at risk? Hmmm.... yet I'm still tempted because it would be awfully nice to hear a heartbeat and it would only be like 2 seconds. I mean, we're not talking about hours of ultrasound exposure. I'm sure the kid is in more danger every time that I get in the car.

So here's the big scary article that makes me worry about ultrasounds:
http://www.midwiferytoday.com/articles/ultrasoundrodgers.asp

Obviously written from a very biased perspective but at least all of the studies are cited at the bottom so it is a good jumping-off point for looking at all different studies on ultrasound.

And another one from the same site and just as biased:
http://www.midwiferytoday.com/articles/ultrasound.asp

My morning sickness has been more-or-less gone for the last week. That had actually worried me a bit so our midwife offered to do a quantitative HCG test to make sure we're still in the right range for a normal pregnancy. I did get sick again the following night though so I think I'm fine, just lucky to have such light nausea!

Morning sickness sucks

Well, I almost made it to 8 weeks without actually vomiting...

I've been surprised that the morning sickness seems to go through different stages of totally different types of nausea - just to keep things interesting I guess.

At first (starting around 6 weeks), I felt really motion sick all the time. Kind of dizzy and yucky but not the type of feeling that would actually cause me to "get sick". Then, by about 7 weeks, I had that plus aversions. I'd think of something - like my vitamins, or certain foods - and just the thought of them would make me gag (just re-reading that sentence is doing it). Still, it was more like when you swallow a pill that kind of makes you choke. I still didn't really feel like I was actually in danger of losing my lunch.

Yesterday though - ahh, we have a whole new and exciting type of morning sickness. I get up, get into the shower and proceed to actually get sick. Well, as best my body can manage in its pre-breakfast state. Once I eat, I seem to go back to my sea-sick plus specific aversions. I'm wondering if it is only a matter of time for that too though.

Occasionally, maybe 1 day per week, I actually get a day off. I'll feel perfectly normal for just about the whole day. It is so weird because part of me wants to analyze everything to try to figure out what could have possibly triggered the good day so that I can repeat it. Then, of course, part of me worries that it is a bad sign and I'm about to have a miscarriage because I suddenly don't feel like crap.

I'm at 7 weeks, 5 days today. I think I read somewhere that morning sickness might peak around 8-9 weeks... who knows, maybe that is just wishful thinking though. Honestly, if it doesn't get any worse than this, I'm sure that I have it better than most women. For some reason no matter how often I repeat that though, it doesn't seem to help me to feel any less crappy.

Each time that thought creeps into my head that I've only gone through less than 2 weeks of this and I very likely have at least 4 more weeks to go, it makes me want to cry. I'm sure the time will pass and someday I might even forget how crappy I feel now and actually want to do this again. I know that is how it all works. I'm really looking forward to looking back at this and saying, "It really wasn't that bad."

4wks 6 days, only 246 days to go

Okay, another ticker - I like the little updates about what is going on.

No morning sickness yet but their site says most women start to feel sick around the 6th week. Ahh, something to look forward to. I've been hungry all the time! I feel like I'm going to gain a million pounds.

Oddly though, I went to the Dr. to get my "official" pregnancy test (since the Ob/Gyn refused to see me until I had a "professional test") and they said I'd lost a pound since my last appointment. I feel like I've gained 10! My pants don't even fit anymore. I think maybe the weight is just moving so it is all around my belly or something. I can't possibly be "showing" yet but no matter how many times I tell that to my pants, they still won't button. Hmmm, very strange.

Fun new ticker

Surprise!

We tested again at 14 DPO and got a very obvious positive! It is funny that I knew from my chart that I had to be pregnant. I guess that is why the initial negative hit me so hard - it just didn't seem possible. 2nd trimester should start just a few days before Thanksgiving. I'm nervous that something will go wrong between now and then but so-far-so-good.

I felt that little buggar implanting while we were at the "Hurdy Gurdy Festival" in Canada. It was the weirdest pinching pain. I suppose that is actually "conception" though so it will be a fun memory to go up to that festival each year and bore our baby telling him/her stories about how we were right there the first time that I was just "sure" that he/she was setting up house in my belly.

A few photos from the festival -

Nothing

Crap, crap, crap - my chart looked SOOO good that I was absolutely sure I must be pregnant. I took a test this morning though and it was negative. That hit me pretty hard. I didn't cry or anything because I know 2 months is nothing and would still be way above average for conception with frozen sperm... I still just really thought that with all of my "symptoms" and that fabulous temperature trend, that it would just so obviously be positive. CRAP. Oh well, it is still technically possible that it could still be positive but I think the tests are at least 80% accurate at 10-11 DPO. I suppose we'll see in the next few days. I'm having a cup of coffee anyway though.

Good Sign

Yahoo - big temp spike today. A very good sign. I've read that implantation can cause a spike like that. :::fingers crossed:::

charting stuff

I've been charting my waking-temperature.

I'm happy that my chart looks really "normal" (as far as I can tell). My temp stays low, dips just before ovulation, and then spikes up and stays high until just before my period (all characteristics of a normal chart). If an egg is fertilized, the egg itself will produce a hormone that will keep the temperature high - so, a big drop in the next few days means bad news - a steady high could be good news.

My chart (edited - fixed the broken link)

2nd Try

Well, each time we learn a little bit more - expensive life lessons but I think we're getting the hang of things. If this month doesn't work, at least we'll feel like we still have room for improvement next month.

My cycles have been around 30-32 days for the last 6 months. Last month, I had scheduled the sperm delivery for so early that we almost missed the 7-day insemination window (the dry ice is only good for 7 days after delivery). I was determined not to let that happen again so I scheduled delivery for CD14.... and by Murphy's law, I got a positive OPK at 3pm on CD13. Not the end of the world - still plenty of time for a good insemination but a little nerve-wracking that we cut it so close again.

In order to ensure that we got the delivery early in the day, I called FedEx and asked them to hold the shipment at their sorting facility rather than put it on the truck for delivery. That way, I was able to pick it up at 10am rather than wait for the guaranteed-by-4:30pm delivery. (FedEx actually usually comes through our town around 4pm so this seemed worth the 40 minute drive to the sorting facility).

We had decided to try a water-bath thaw this time. I'd read a study done with cattle IUI and it showed a dramatically higher success rate with water thaw. We purchased two high-quality thermometers of different brands (so that we could at least make sure that they match each other or take the average of any small difference). We set up our large cooler in the bathtub and filled it with hot tap water and then added cold water to bring it down to 95 degrees F.

At around 11:00 am on CD14 Erin dropped one of the vials into the water and timed 3 minutes and then did the IUI. I stayed in bed for about 45 minutes while Erin made breakfast.

My mom and step-dad came to visit that day. It was a little stressful to have company while trying to keep track of everything else too but it really worked out fine - especially with my early ovulation.

That night, Erin and I stayed up really late and did the 2nd insem. around 2am on CD15. That was 35 hours past my positive OPK so it actually was a bit late by OPK-timing-standards. We left the 2nd vial in the water bath for 4 minutes and when I checked them under the microscope it looked like every single one was motile. It was so cool! The last vial looked like it had about 50% motility (totally fine for a frozen sample) but this one was AWESOME! The other "good luck" sort of thing was that the date on this vial was 8/30/04 and here we were using it on 8/31/07 - how weird!

We have had some trouble with the sperm just flowing right back out of the cervix (I'm not convinced that we're actually getting it all the way to the uterus) so we tried something a little bit different this time. We cut the end of the catheter off so that the flared end would hopefully block the os a bit and help force some of that sperm in the right direction. It seemed to work OK. Erin said there was definitely less coming back out. I like this way and I think we'll probably stick with it if we do need to try again.

So this all sounds great right? Unfortunately, my temperature didn't rise Saturday morning as it should have if I had ovulated in the last 24 hours. It did rise on Sunday (a lot) so it really looks like I actually ovulated on Saturday and that we were early.

Who knows if that 2nd vial of super-sperm can survive that long (I've heard that post-thaw sperm is only viable for about 6 hours). We'll see.

So if things don't work out this month, it leaves us with some decisions to make next month. We can either a) get two vials and use them at 24 and 48 hours after surge b) get 3 vials and do 20, 30, and 40 hours past surge (if we don't get a temp rise) or c) stick with same plan as before - the "standard-issue" clinic timing.

Oh well, no sense in thinking about that stuff yet.





You really don't realize how small 1/2 CC is until you see it. This little vial comes less than half full (I set it next to some lip balm for size comparison).

Ahh, the rollercoaster is just getting going...

Well, we've had an interesting TWW... I'm pretty darn impatient so I decided to test at 9DPO. It was negative (to be expected that early) but I left the test just sitting there and went on about my day. About 8 hours later, I picked it up and there were clearly 2 pink lines. I know the directions say not to read the results after 30 minutes but it did seem to offer some hope. Maybe as the urine dried, it became more concentrated, right? Hmm...

So, of course, now I was so excited that I just had to test on day 10 also. The same thing happened and I got a very faint second line about 6 hours after I'd taken the test.

I was sort of frustrated and frazzled by the whole experience. I've had a few acupuncture appointments to try to help boost my fertility and I've always felt SOOO relaxed and in a really great mood afterwards. I decided to call my acupuncturist to see if she could get me in for a little "relaxation treatment". She did and I felt so much better afterward. Who knows, maybe it is all in my head but it certainly made me feel better so I'm happy. I waited 3 more days before testing again.

On 13DPO, I used a really cheap internet pregnancy test. It showed a definite ghost line about 10 minutes after taking the test. Good, right? That must be a REAL positive, right? Well, I ran out to the drugstore and bought a $10 test - these were the "dip" tests so I left the little cup of my 1st-morning-urine sitting in the bathroom while I ran to the store - that one was CLEARLY negative (even a few hours later).

It really would have been easier if they were just all negative from the beginning. I'm not super-upset or devastated or anything - it was only the first try. Still, I hate the mind-games.

I've had a lot of pinching pain on my left side. My doctor (by phone) thinks it is a minor cyst and nothing to worry about. She said that just happens from time to time. So, I googled ovarian cysts and found two interesting details -

1 - some cysts form because the egg never actually popped out of the follicle (meaning that perhaps we never even got out of the starting gate this month).

2 - some cysts can cause false-positive pregnancy tests.

Hmmm, I'm not sure what all of this means. I'm still only 13DPO but not very hopeful for this month. My goal is to wait at least this long before I even start testing next month... and throw the negative test away immediately after the test period.

Ahhh, lessons learned.

First Try

So that doesn't look TOO conspicuous sitting outside our front door, right?



Haha, the FedEx guy just smirked and said "It's all yours"





So, now good old 3108's stuff is sitting in our bedroom (still in the big dry ice tank). We're almost ready to go but timing is SO important. Hence, OPK's are important (ovulation predictor kits). Unfortunately, today's results were a little confusing.

I've been testing every time I pee. Today, I was working outdoors and sweating a TON (it was 95 F). I was not drinking nearly as much water as I should have been and was seriously dehydrated. When I peed (around 1pm), I got a positive surge - Probably the darkest line I've ever seen on an OPK.

I went again a few hours later though (5pm-ish) and it was back to not-as-dark as the control line. Same results just now around 8pm.

So, did I actually surge? I have no idea.

I guess we're going to plan to inseminate tomorrow morning and late tomorrow night unless my pee tells me anything new.

Phew, how annoying!

Oh, PS, happy 29th birthday... an LH surge was just what I wanted!

Well, our KD backed out... last minute. I have been counting down the days to start TTC for what feels like forever - I know it isn't but it was still heartbreaking to have a change in plans that causes more delay.

Anyway, we're moving on. We have picked out a bank and had "photo-matching" done with pictures of Erin. The response came back and it was pretty neat - the donor that we'd picked as our favorite was "absolutely by far the closest match in the whole catalog". The representative claimed that there was an absolutely striking resemblance. It is going to cost and arm and a leg but this seems to be the next step.

The donor that we picked is "willing to be known" so when the child turns 18, s/he can request his contact info. Sounds good. Not exactly what we'd wanted... well, I say that but I guess it is easy from my end. I always wanted the baby to be able to have a close relationship with the donor but I know Erin was kind of wary of that plan. She is the "other mother" and needs to have her relationship reinforced and affirmed. I understand her jealousy of a donor-baby relationship; like she is a "third-wheel" or something. This will be good.... and I'm sure in a few years, we'll look back on this and think that we couldn't possibly imagine life any other way.

Hi, you don't know us but we want your sperm...

Well, yup, that just about exactly how it went.

We knocked on KD's door and had probably one of the most awkward conversations ever. This was less than 24 hours after we'd been sitting in the bar and our friend suggested him. He did come highly recommended from everyone who knew him. We'd also spent hours looking at photos and even found a campus newspaper article that he was featured in. We really wanted this to work but that first step felt nearly impossible.

We debated the merits of asking our mutual friend to ask him to come bowling with us or something causal like that. She said that seemed weird and she didn't feel comfortable luring him into a false get-together just so that we could check him out. I am pretty sure that she would have explained the whole situation to him and offered to introduce us. I really felt like this was our responsibility though, and we probably shouldn't drag someone else into it.

So, E made me PROMISE that I'd do all the talking. She was excited and decided that we should "go for it" but couldn't even begin to think of what to say. So, we found his dorm room, knocked, and by some miracle, he was actually there and his roommate was not.

I introduced us and paused for a few seconds trying to think of what to say next. I think he got the idea that there was something that I was having trouble explaining. He invited us in and I suggested that we all sit down because this was going to be a really weird conversation and we might as well be as comfortable as possible.

I basically told him the whole story about how E and I were frustrated with the process that we were going through and someone had suggested that he would be perfect. We told him about all the research we'd done about him and the things that we particularly liked.

KD's first question, oddly enough, was who had recommended him. He thought it was really cool that one of his friends would suggest him for something like this.

Then he said, "Well, I think I've already made my decision so I guess I should just tell you". That was it, I was absolutely sure that this was the opening line to a "Thanks but no thanks" speech. I felt like an idiot. I think I jumped in with something like "Well, take your time". He continued by saying that even though none of us knows each other very well, he feels like he's a pretty good judge of character and that he "Loves us already".

I think both of us were still sitting there staring at him waiting for him to say no. So, finally, I said, "So, does that mean... yes?". He laughed and said, "Yeah".

Wow, so I wanted to be clear on what we wanted. I explained that our requirements would be a minimum of giving up parental rights and allowing the child to contact him when s/he turns 18 and a maximum would be giving up parental rights but maintaining some contact 1-2 times per year. I asked him what he thought of those options.

Now, this is something that I love about KD - He's so funny because his minor is psychology and he plays the part perfectly - "What would you prefer?" I think he answers almost everything that we ask him that way. He said that he'd be comfortable with either option.

So, we've actually gotten together with him a few times over the past few weeks. He's funny and kind and I'm so scared now that he might change his mind. He seems to be fine. Every time that I see him, I ask if he's still OK with everything. So far the answer has always been yes.

Today is 97 days from when we hope to start. Uggg, I want it to be June NOW. I know that we're totally not ready yet. I still have a ton of work to finish on the house... but I hate the stress of waiting and wondering if this is all going to work. Oh well, I keep telling myself that 3 months will pass very quickly.

Shopping for DNA

So, once Erin and I settled on getting started this spring... tentatively June 22 if all goes well... then, we had to figure out where to get the sperm.

Erin had only two requirements: a green-eyed, philosophy major. Ok, so those are two really specific requirements. I searched and searched for hours and came up with two potential donors from all of the banks that I checked.

We did narrow it down to a "willing to be known" guy so that the child will be able to learn about his/her other biological half when (s)he turns 18.

We decided that we'd prefer to start out by doing the inseminations at home... at least for the first 2-3 cycles just to see if we can make it work that way. I know it is statistically much more successful to get IUI done in a clinic but it is also more than twice as expensive so even if it is twice as successful (and I don't think the difference is that much), we'd rather do it "ourselves".

So, that was easy - almost too easy. I had found a donor, showed Erin his profile and she agreed immediately that he was perfect. I've heard that couples often spend months pouring over profiles and details. We were pretty easy since he was the ONLY guy who had green eyes, a philosophy major, and was "willing-to-be-known". Ok, so the only step left was getting a doc to sign off on the paperwork to release the sperm to us.

So, I downloaded the paperwork and took it to my PCP. She wanted absolutely NOTHING to do with that. She was nice about it but said that since she doesn't even do prenatal care, I'd really have to talk to an OB/GYN about it. Ok, so I did but unfortunately, we're in a really rural area and everyone that I talked to seemed to treat me like I was... well, trying to land a rocket on Mars or something. I got bumped from person to person. It always seemed like "No, we don't do anything like that here" I tried to explain that I didn't want them to DO anything. I just wanted them to sign my paperwork... no good. It may just have been my imagination but I really felt like a lot of this was rooted in homophobia. They honestly seemed like it was the most absurd thing they'd ever heard of.

It was really frustrating.

Plus, I kept seeing guys around town who were really ugly but would technically fit most of the characteristics of our donor (based on height, weight, hair color, etc.)... I kept saying things like "can you imagine if that guy was our donor? Ewwww!"

So, we were sitting around with some friends and I was complaining about how frustrating this all had been. I said that I really wished that we knew a guy who was cute, smart, funny, gay would be nice, who would just give us some sperm. "You should ask KD! - He's perfect!" (I'll call him KD - as in Known Donor for now). Now, keep in mind that I had never even seen this guy before. We found his "myspace" and "facebook" pages though and I had to admit that he is cute and REALLY involved in educational and volunteer stuff... and he's gay. (I think it is good for a known donor to be gay because I suspect that the wife of a straight guy might really have a big problem when she found out that he had other offspring running around... might happen with a gay guy too but for some reason I think he'd find it less threatening than a woman would).

The more we learned about KD, the more we really liked him. He has green eyes. He's double majoring and the two subjects that he chose were E's Mother's and E's Father's majors in college. He mentors kids from the local middle school and also helps out with their Odyssey of the Mind program. Great height and weight... it seemed like every new piece of information just made him sound even better.

Are we completely crazy? - yeah, probably. I think it would be GREAT to have a known donor though. I would love it if the baby could see this guy once, maybe twice a year while growing up. Not to have a dad but to at least have some connection to the other half of their biology.

Yes, there are a TON of legal issues... yes, there are risks but I think that there is a lot to lose with an anonymous donor too. It is tough. So much to think about!

Babies and Crack

I guess I've settled on the idea that - It is OK that Erin doesn't crave motherhood; it doesn't mean that she won't love the baby once it is here. Some people pick up the motherhood cravings early on and some people get addicted once they try it for the first time. Like crack, once you're actually doing it, I suppose it isn't likely that a newby will be any less addicted than someone who's been craving it for years... and, lucky for me, I've heard that babies (well, one's own children anyway) are far more addictive than crack. LOL

Talking about "IT"

Erin will graduate from college this May (she didn't go directly from HS to college).

So, I knew that we couldn't have a kid while Erin was in school but I really started bringing up "baby-stuff" as soon as Erin entered her senior year in college. Hey, I'm pushing 30 and anxious to get started. I know that is still young but I've been waiting since I was about 4!

Erin was always distant at best or annoyed at worst whenever I brought up the subject of having a baby. I started to panic that maybe she wasn't going along with the baby-thing after all. Whenever I panic about something, I start to obsess a bit. So, I'd be thinking about it 24/7 and the more I talked about it, the more frustrated Erin would get and the more that I'd panic - I'm sure you see the cycle!

Erin insisted that we would start on "baby-making" as soon as she graduates but that she just wanted to enjoy college for now and think about baby stuff later - when it was actually relevant to our life-situation.

I came up with, what I think, is a good analogy for my feelings -

I asked her to imagine that she is 12 and that her father was just offered a fantastic job opportunity in France. Say, he's been asked to be the CEO of his company's new French headquarters. After much discussion, her parents decide that the whole family will be moving to France in about 6 months. Of course, as good parents, they want to prepare Erin as much as possible for her new life in France. They enroll her in French language classes and talk to her about geography and culture... but the whole time, Erin just gets frustrated and insists that she needs to just enjoy her last few months with her current friends. She refuses to go to French lessons or learn anything about France.

Now, I would say, hearing this story, that the girl is in denial. I'd guess that she believes that if she doesn't ever deal with the situation that it will never happen. Erin agreed that many people would interperet the situation that way but she insisted that if she were in that situation that she WOULD behave in much the same way as the girl in the story and not out of denial. Erin is much less goal-oriented than I am. She sees each day as its own entity to be enjoyed and lived in its own right - not just as a stepping stone to some greater end.

After our conversation, it was really like a cloud had lifted. I think she saw why her frustration scared me. We talk about "IT" so much now... and, shockingly, Erin even initiates many of the conversations. She seems "on board"... I think.

Until about 6 months ago, our plan had been to move back to NH (where we both grew up) before having a baby. Then we learned about second-parent adoption. Vermont has GREAT second-parent adoption laws and once the adoption is complete, Erin's name goes right on the birth certificate (I guess under "Father"?) and it is legally recognized in all 50 states.

We do want to move back to NH very soon but we want to have a baby before we move - ergo, baby making has been moved up to this summer!

Us

It was almost love-at-first-sight. I knew VERY early on that Erin was "the one". We were absolutely perfect together. But then...

About a week after Erin and I met, the topic of kids came up. She said that she didn't plan on having any. I told her that we probably shouldn't date anymore because having kids was absolutely non-negotiable in my mind. I have ALWAYS known that I would have kids. In fact, that was one of my biggest concerns about coming to terms with being a lesbian - could I still be a mom?

So, Erin and I talked ... and talked and talked. It was so early in our relationship that it really seemed like walking away would be the best thing for both of us. The trouble was that we both knew that we had found something great in each other.

Erin assured me that it wasn't that clear-cut. Maybe there was room for kids in her life. Regardless, she was absolutely not ready to give up on our relationship.

My own parents are divorced and I have seen many seemingly-happy relationships crumble over time. On one hand, I was sure that a relationship divided over such a huge issue could never work. If I were giving advice to a friend in my position, I'd tell them to run and not look back. Yet, on the other hand, there was something there that was just too good to let go of.

So, on the 1-year anniversary of our first date, I proposed. We were married in MA a few months later and got a civil union in Vermont (currently, our home state) a year after that. In a few weeks, we'll hit the 4-year anniversary of the day that we met.

I work from home on an e-commerce business. Erin helps with that when she's not busy with school stuff. We are ALWAYS together, we've probably spent more time together in the past 4 years than most couples do in 12 years... and we're really happy.

Introductions...

We're a lesbian couple, just barely starting down the road to motherhood.

We're planning to begin inseminations in June (on the 22nd if my cycles are absolutely perfect from now until then).

I had always thought that I'd just start writing stuff down when the process actually "started" but before long, I realized that we have started; that all of our planning and organizing has evolved so much in the last few months that I'd better hurry up and start writing or I'm sure I'll forget parts of "our story".

I've never had a blog before, never even commented on a blog before but I'd like to record our baby-making story and I know that other blogs have been very helpful for me so, well, here goes...