So, once Erin and I settled on getting started this spring... tentatively June 22 if all goes well... then, we had to figure out where to get the sperm.
Erin had only two requirements: a green-eyed, philosophy major. Ok, so those are two really specific requirements. I searched and searched for hours and came up with two potential donors from all of the banks that I checked.
We did narrow it down to a "willing to be known" guy so that the child will be able to learn about his/her other biological half when (s)he turns 18.
We decided that we'd prefer to start out by doing the inseminations at home... at least for the first 2-3 cycles just to see if we can make it work that way. I know it is statistically much more successful to get IUI done in a clinic but it is also more than twice as expensive so even if it is twice as successful (and I don't think the difference is that much), we'd rather do it "ourselves".
So, that was easy - almost too easy. I had found a donor, showed Erin his profile and she agreed immediately that he was perfect. I've heard that couples often spend months pouring over profiles and details. We were pretty easy since he was the ONLY guy who had green eyes, a philosophy major, and was "willing-to-be-known". Ok, so the only step left was getting a doc to sign off on the paperwork to release the sperm to us.
So, I downloaded the paperwork and took it to my PCP. She wanted absolutely NOTHING to do with that. She was nice about it but said that since she doesn't even do prenatal care, I'd really have to talk to an OB/GYN about it. Ok, so I did but unfortunately, we're in a really rural area and everyone that I talked to seemed to treat me like I was... well, trying to land a rocket on Mars or something. I got bumped from person to person. It always seemed like "No, we don't do anything like that here" I tried to explain that I didn't want them to DO anything. I just wanted them to sign my paperwork... no good. It may just have been my imagination but I really felt like a lot of this was rooted in homophobia. They honestly seemed like it was the most absurd thing they'd ever heard of.
It was really frustrating.
Plus, I kept seeing guys around town who were really ugly but would technically fit most of the characteristics of our donor (based on height, weight, hair color, etc.)... I kept saying things like "can you imagine if that guy was our donor? Ewwww!"
So, we were sitting around with some friends and I was complaining about how frustrating this all had been. I said that I really wished that we knew a guy who was cute, smart, funny, gay would be nice, who would just give us some sperm. "You should ask KD! - He's perfect!" (I'll call him KD - as in Known Donor for now). Now, keep in mind that I had never even seen this guy before. We found his "myspace" and "facebook" pages though and I had to admit that he is cute and REALLY involved in educational and volunteer stuff... and he's gay. (I think it is good for a known donor to be gay because I suspect that the wife of a straight guy might really have a big problem when she found out that he had other offspring running around... might happen with a gay guy too but for some reason I think he'd find it less threatening than a woman would).
The more we learned about KD, the more we really liked him. He has green eyes. He's double majoring and the two subjects that he chose were E's Mother's and E's Father's majors in college. He mentors kids from the local middle school and also helps out with their Odyssey of the Mind program. Great height and weight... it seemed like every new piece of information just made him sound even better.
Are we completely crazy? - yeah, probably. I think it would be GREAT to have a known donor though. I would love it if the baby could see this guy once, maybe twice a year while growing up. Not to have a dad but to at least have some connection to the other half of their biology.
Yes, there are a TON of legal issues... yes, there are risks but I think that there is a lot to lose with an anonymous donor too. It is tough. So much to think about!
Thursday, February 22, 2007
Wednesday, February 21, 2007
Babies and Crack
I guess I've settled on the idea that - It is OK that Erin doesn't crave motherhood; it doesn't mean that she won't love the baby once it is here. Some people pick up the motherhood cravings early on and some people get addicted once they try it for the first time. Like crack, once you're actually doing it, I suppose it isn't likely that a newby will be any less addicted than someone who's been craving it for years... and, lucky for me, I've heard that babies (well, one's own children anyway) are far more addictive than crack. LOL
Talking about "IT"
Erin will graduate from college this May (she didn't go directly from HS to college).
So, I knew that we couldn't have a kid while Erin was in school but I really started bringing up "baby-stuff" as soon as Erin entered her senior year in college. Hey, I'm pushing 30 and anxious to get started. I know that is still young but I've been waiting since I was about 4!
Erin was always distant at best or annoyed at worst whenever I brought up the subject of having a baby. I started to panic that maybe she wasn't going along with the baby-thing after all. Whenever I panic about something, I start to obsess a bit. So, I'd be thinking about it 24/7 and the more I talked about it, the more frustrated Erin would get and the more that I'd panic - I'm sure you see the cycle!
Erin insisted that we would start on "baby-making" as soon as she graduates but that she just wanted to enjoy college for now and think about baby stuff later - when it was actually relevant to our life-situation.
I came up with, what I think, is a good analogy for my feelings -
I asked her to imagine that she is 12 and that her father was just offered a fantastic job opportunity in France. Say, he's been asked to be the CEO of his company's new French headquarters. After much discussion, her parents decide that the whole family will be moving to France in about 6 months. Of course, as good parents, they want to prepare Erin as much as possible for her new life in France. They enroll her in French language classes and talk to her about geography and culture... but the whole time, Erin just gets frustrated and insists that she needs to just enjoy her last few months with her current friends. She refuses to go to French lessons or learn anything about France.
Now, I would say, hearing this story, that the girl is in denial. I'd guess that she believes that if she doesn't ever deal with the situation that it will never happen. Erin agreed that many people would interperet the situation that way but she insisted that if she were in that situation that she WOULD behave in much the same way as the girl in the story and not out of denial. Erin is much less goal-oriented than I am. She sees each day as its own entity to be enjoyed and lived in its own right - not just as a stepping stone to some greater end.
After our conversation, it was really like a cloud had lifted. I think she saw why her frustration scared me. We talk about "IT" so much now... and, shockingly, Erin even initiates many of the conversations. She seems "on board"... I think.
Until about 6 months ago, our plan had been to move back to NH (where we both grew up) before having a baby. Then we learned about second-parent adoption. Vermont has GREAT second-parent adoption laws and once the adoption is complete, Erin's name goes right on the birth certificate (I guess under "Father"?) and it is legally recognized in all 50 states.
We do want to move back to NH very soon but we want to have a baby before we move - ergo, baby making has been moved up to this summer!
So, I knew that we couldn't have a kid while Erin was in school but I really started bringing up "baby-stuff" as soon as Erin entered her senior year in college. Hey, I'm pushing 30 and anxious to get started. I know that is still young but I've been waiting since I was about 4!
Erin was always distant at best or annoyed at worst whenever I brought up the subject of having a baby. I started to panic that maybe she wasn't going along with the baby-thing after all. Whenever I panic about something, I start to obsess a bit. So, I'd be thinking about it 24/7 and the more I talked about it, the more frustrated Erin would get and the more that I'd panic - I'm sure you see the cycle!
Erin insisted that we would start on "baby-making" as soon as she graduates but that she just wanted to enjoy college for now and think about baby stuff later - when it was actually relevant to our life-situation.
I came up with, what I think, is a good analogy for my feelings -
I asked her to imagine that she is 12 and that her father was just offered a fantastic job opportunity in France. Say, he's been asked to be the CEO of his company's new French headquarters. After much discussion, her parents decide that the whole family will be moving to France in about 6 months. Of course, as good parents, they want to prepare Erin as much as possible for her new life in France. They enroll her in French language classes and talk to her about geography and culture... but the whole time, Erin just gets frustrated and insists that she needs to just enjoy her last few months with her current friends. She refuses to go to French lessons or learn anything about France.
Now, I would say, hearing this story, that the girl is in denial. I'd guess that she believes that if she doesn't ever deal with the situation that it will never happen. Erin agreed that many people would interperet the situation that way but she insisted that if she were in that situation that she WOULD behave in much the same way as the girl in the story and not out of denial. Erin is much less goal-oriented than I am. She sees each day as its own entity to be enjoyed and lived in its own right - not just as a stepping stone to some greater end.
After our conversation, it was really like a cloud had lifted. I think she saw why her frustration scared me. We talk about "IT" so much now... and, shockingly, Erin even initiates many of the conversations. She seems "on board"... I think.
Until about 6 months ago, our plan had been to move back to NH (where we both grew up) before having a baby. Then we learned about second-parent adoption. Vermont has GREAT second-parent adoption laws and once the adoption is complete, Erin's name goes right on the birth certificate (I guess under "Father"?) and it is legally recognized in all 50 states.
We do want to move back to NH very soon but we want to have a baby before we move - ergo, baby making has been moved up to this summer!
Us
It was almost love-at-first-sight. I knew VERY early on that Erin was "the one". We were absolutely perfect together. But then...
About a week after Erin and I met, the topic of kids came up. She said that she didn't plan on having any. I told her that we probably shouldn't date anymore because having kids was absolutely non-negotiable in my mind. I have ALWAYS known that I would have kids. In fact, that was one of my biggest concerns about coming to terms with being a lesbian - could I still be a mom?
So, Erin and I talked ... and talked and talked. It was so early in our relationship that it really seemed like walking away would be the best thing for both of us. The trouble was that we both knew that we had found something great in each other.
Erin assured me that it wasn't that clear-cut. Maybe there was room for kids in her life. Regardless, she was absolutely not ready to give up on our relationship.
My own parents are divorced and I have seen many seemingly-happy relationships crumble over time. On one hand, I was sure that a relationship divided over such a huge issue could never work. If I were giving advice to a friend in my position, I'd tell them to run and not look back. Yet, on the other hand, there was something there that was just too good to let go of.
So, on the 1-year anniversary of our first date, I proposed. We were married in MA a few months later and got a civil union in Vermont (currently, our home state) a year after that. In a few weeks, we'll hit the 4-year anniversary of the day that we met.
I work from home on an e-commerce business. Erin helps with that when she's not busy with school stuff. We are ALWAYS together, we've probably spent more time together in the past 4 years than most couples do in 12 years... and we're really happy.
About a week after Erin and I met, the topic of kids came up. She said that she didn't plan on having any. I told her that we probably shouldn't date anymore because having kids was absolutely non-negotiable in my mind. I have ALWAYS known that I would have kids. In fact, that was one of my biggest concerns about coming to terms with being a lesbian - could I still be a mom?
So, Erin and I talked ... and talked and talked. It was so early in our relationship that it really seemed like walking away would be the best thing for both of us. The trouble was that we both knew that we had found something great in each other.
Erin assured me that it wasn't that clear-cut. Maybe there was room for kids in her life. Regardless, she was absolutely not ready to give up on our relationship.
My own parents are divorced and I have seen many seemingly-happy relationships crumble over time. On one hand, I was sure that a relationship divided over such a huge issue could never work. If I were giving advice to a friend in my position, I'd tell them to run and not look back. Yet, on the other hand, there was something there that was just too good to let go of.
So, on the 1-year anniversary of our first date, I proposed. We were married in MA a few months later and got a civil union in Vermont (currently, our home state) a year after that. In a few weeks, we'll hit the 4-year anniversary of the day that we met.
I work from home on an e-commerce business. Erin helps with that when she's not busy with school stuff. We are ALWAYS together, we've probably spent more time together in the past 4 years than most couples do in 12 years... and we're really happy.
Introductions...
We're a lesbian couple, just barely starting down the road to motherhood.
We're planning to begin inseminations in June (on the 22nd if my cycles are absolutely perfect from now until then).
I had always thought that I'd just start writing stuff down when the process actually "started" but before long, I realized that we have started; that all of our planning and organizing has evolved so much in the last few months that I'd better hurry up and start writing or I'm sure I'll forget parts of "our story".
I've never had a blog before, never even commented on a blog before but I'd like to record our baby-making story and I know that other blogs have been very helpful for me so, well, here goes...
We're planning to begin inseminations in June (on the 22nd if my cycles are absolutely perfect from now until then).
I had always thought that I'd just start writing stuff down when the process actually "started" but before long, I realized that we have started; that all of our planning and organizing has evolved so much in the last few months that I'd better hurry up and start writing or I'm sure I'll forget parts of "our story".
I've never had a blog before, never even commented on a blog before but I'd like to record our baby-making story and I know that other blogs have been very helpful for me so, well, here goes...
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)
