Talking about "IT"

Erin will graduate from college this May (she didn't go directly from HS to college).

So, I knew that we couldn't have a kid while Erin was in school but I really started bringing up "baby-stuff" as soon as Erin entered her senior year in college. Hey, I'm pushing 30 and anxious to get started. I know that is still young but I've been waiting since I was about 4!

Erin was always distant at best or annoyed at worst whenever I brought up the subject of having a baby. I started to panic that maybe she wasn't going along with the baby-thing after all. Whenever I panic about something, I start to obsess a bit. So, I'd be thinking about it 24/7 and the more I talked about it, the more frustrated Erin would get and the more that I'd panic - I'm sure you see the cycle!

Erin insisted that we would start on "baby-making" as soon as she graduates but that she just wanted to enjoy college for now and think about baby stuff later - when it was actually relevant to our life-situation.

I came up with, what I think, is a good analogy for my feelings -

I asked her to imagine that she is 12 and that her father was just offered a fantastic job opportunity in France. Say, he's been asked to be the CEO of his company's new French headquarters. After much discussion, her parents decide that the whole family will be moving to France in about 6 months. Of course, as good parents, they want to prepare Erin as much as possible for her new life in France. They enroll her in French language classes and talk to her about geography and culture... but the whole time, Erin just gets frustrated and insists that she needs to just enjoy her last few months with her current friends. She refuses to go to French lessons or learn anything about France.

Now, I would say, hearing this story, that the girl is in denial. I'd guess that she believes that if she doesn't ever deal with the situation that it will never happen. Erin agreed that many people would interperet the situation that way but she insisted that if she were in that situation that she WOULD behave in much the same way as the girl in the story and not out of denial. Erin is much less goal-oriented than I am. She sees each day as its own entity to be enjoyed and lived in its own right - not just as a stepping stone to some greater end.

After our conversation, it was really like a cloud had lifted. I think she saw why her frustration scared me. We talk about "IT" so much now... and, shockingly, Erin even initiates many of the conversations. She seems "on board"... I think.

Until about 6 months ago, our plan had been to move back to NH (where we both grew up) before having a baby. Then we learned about second-parent adoption. Vermont has GREAT second-parent adoption laws and once the adoption is complete, Erin's name goes right on the birth certificate (I guess under "Father"?) and it is legally recognized in all 50 states.

We do want to move back to NH very soon but we want to have a baby before we move - ergo, baby making has been moved up to this summer!